OK- so I will speak about the big "D" word - Depression. I personally like to call it the other "D" word- Denial. Yes- we have all experienced being down, blue or even full blown depression. But things are different for me this time- I can't seem to shake the blues at times, and sometimes it just sneaks up on me without me knowing it. The hardest thing for me to even admit is that I constantly fight depression - and it's affects that it now plays in my new life after the injury. This will be a hard blog for me to write.
Having a brain injury, like most illnesses, changes your life in so many ways. Some changes are temporary some are permanent. Sometimes it's the not knowing what is going to be permanent is a struggle within itself. There's an old saying in the brain injury world- "if you've seen one brain injury, then you've seen one brain injury." Everyone is different and so are the injuries to brains. Depending on if you are a left or right brain person and the location of the injury, is how the injury itself will affect the different aspects of your life. Well, I have 4 areas affected- the left and right frontal and temporal lobes. So- I am certainly affected in multiple areas. Each area of the brain is used for different "controls and functions" of the body. The frontal lobe's purpose is for the executive function meaning the planning, decision making and sequencing of events. The frontal lobes also control the attention and emotions of a person, just to name a few. The temporal lobes are responsible for memory, understanding, language, speech, naming and musical ability. Of course there are other areas of the brain used for motor skills, vision, coordination and balance, appetite and evening breathing. In this blog, I want to focus on how my injury of the frontal lobe has affected some of my emotions.
Prior to my injury, I was an outgoing individual with a spit fire attitude. I undertook all the financial responsibilities and most of the decision making in the household- I was the accountant- it made sense. :-) But other traits about me were very caring, giving and loving to most people that came into my life. My sister stated once that I have a huge circle of friends and people that I trusted, and a tiny circle of people that I disliked. I have always been that way- very trusting and loved people. She was right. I was also very focused on goals, worked extremely hard and was very driven to accomplish those tasks and goals that I would set for myself. After my injury, my husband answered a question (per doctor's tests) about me pertaining to was I happy with my life before and/or after the injury. He answered no to both. I thought this was interesting coming from him- so I asked him why did he answer the question that way. He stated that prior to the injury- I was always trying to better myself- more education, higher role with my jobs etc. I was never happy for just settling where I was. After the injury I became very unhappy about what I can not do or remember- I was very unhappy with the brain injury and the effects it has on me. Now the after the injury made sense- but the first one was an eyeopener for me, and he was correct.
Some of my emotions are still in a numb phase- this was very distinctive in the beginning of the injury. Perhaps my body/brain could not handle or waste energy with emotions so for the most part they were numb. This truly sucks when trying to make decisions. I remember coming out of a grocery store and seeing my car in the front. I had a hard time deciding "what door to exit." I just stood there.... I thought to myself - Barb just go, but I froze- I could not make a decision. This is a very common aspect of my life now and it really SUCKS. Now over the past two years, some of the emotions are slowly starting to come back, but not nearly at the level that things were before. I remember going to a funeral and not crying- when I indeed loved this person very much. This in itself saddened me- how I felt so detached from my own feelings - how I should be acting but wasn't. I do have anger outbursts at times, but thank goodness these come and go very quickly- mostly when I am driving. Yes, more road rage....LOL I like to think of it as God put this numbing device in place because he knew that I would totally lose it if I was as emotional as I had been prior to the injury. Having these feelings that were now numb has definitely been a coping mechanism for me. Having these feelings "numb" is also a very scary place to be in at time as well.
Last night I went to the Brain Injury Support Group meeting. Actually these events is the reason why I wrote this blog today. I had a dear friend call me just as I was leaving for the meeting. Craig and I talked about the times when we first started the IRS together- we were both assigned to the Fairfax office. I had adopted him as my little brother. He even stated in the beginning of the call that he doesn't want me to forget him (I have been diagnosed with dementia - but it's not like old age dementia- another time, another blog). I really enjoyed talking with him and laughing. We even talked about what I was going through and some of the obstacles that I still have to face. When I got to the meeting I just sat in my car after getting off of the phone. I didn't want to go in. I didn't want to have to face the reality that I have a brain injury. When I was talking to Craig- I was remembering the old me and my career- here this building that sits in front of me making me face the present of my brain injury. I made myself go in- for tonight was the big Pizza night with the topic of depression. I guess this time of the year depression can certainly be a big problem for most people, but it is a bigger problem with people who have a disability such as a brain injury. I wasn't in that room for a minute and had to walk back out to my car- I fled.
This emotion just took over with such power. I wanted to just run- far away from this building and the people in it. But after thinking about it today- it wasn't running from them- its running from me. After sitting in my car and making sure I didn't drive away- I made myself go back into the meeting and the "women" broke off into our own group after an hour or so. I did not want to talk. Hell, I didn't want to be there. The facilitator stated that she wanted us to talk to see where we all were this week. She picked me first- Of course I played tough- Ms. Cover up as my group now calls me. I stated that I was battling fatigue again etc. Talk just a few minutes about my meeting last week and turned the attention to some one else. I wasn't dare going to say that I too am depressed.
There was a lady there who talked about her depression and her thoughts of suicide. How she even counts her pills to make sure she always has enough on hand when she finally plans on doing this. WOW my heart just sank. I just wanted to jump up and give her a big hug- you are not alone I stated out loud, you are not alone. I couldn't believe that I was saying this out loud- but I did. Sadness- all I felt was sadness. Now, I do not count my pills- but I so "get" her feelings. I remember sitting there not really hearing what the other ladies were saying and I was thinking that I don't like this feeling. It's not me- how can I beat the injury if I am going to be sad? But here again- this is very common for people with brain injuries. Most of the other ladies talked about their sadness that they were feeling. Most brain injured individuals can't handle the loud festivities that we once could- the lights etc. Then there's the stress of the holiday itself. Funny how this one holiday - Christmas was never suppose to be about stress- but in reality it is a very stressful and depressing time of the year.
I guess this too is another reason why I blog. To get it out there. We are not alone. I guess you have to own a feeling before you can overcome it. Well, I want to be the happy go lucky person- to enjoy life as it should be. So for now- I will admit- I have depression. Some days I am good, others not so good. There!!!! my friends, family and doctors would be so proud...LOL and for those who are wondering- yes I am on meds for this. I guess for now I will just say its a brain thing-- and in time this too shall get better or at least I will be able to express it and understand it more.
If you or a loved one is feeling depressed- please talk to someone and seek professional medical treatment. You are not alone. We are all loved and cared about by the people that we have in our lives. Each one of us, touches the lives of so many people. I know first hand that it's hard to understand these points sometimes- but we are all very special people. HUGS to all....
Thank you for this.
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