Monday, December 5, 2011

Brain Injury and Exhaustion

Today I have been really "fatigued".  I always say the words tired, fatigue and exhausted interchangeably, but I have decided to rate these feelings as I see them or literally as I "feel" since the brain injury.  Being sleepy or tired - easiest to over come - a walk in the park.  I can certainly push through these feelings to get things done.  No nap required.  Fatigue - more effort and energy to complete tasks.  I have to pick and choose what I can accomplish in a given time frame or even day. If I do too much, then fatigue turns into exhaustion - a nap may certainly be required.  Exhausted - "forget about it"... down for the count- lights out.  A three hour nap minimum is required at "least" once a day perhaps more often.  I am mostly down for a good part of the day, if not all day.   I always "thought" I knew what exhaustion was prior to my brain injury- Ha - I didn't have a clue.
   
Before the injury, I was a very active person.  Not active in the way of exercising, but always on the go or doing things like working, going to school and other activities, many activities.  I didn't require even 6 hours of sleep to function.  I was a night owl, not the greatest morning person though.  When this injury first happened, during the first month or two- my energy level only got me into the shower- in fact I cut all but 4-5 inches of my hair off, because I was too weak and exhausted to even style it.  Some mornings my husband would have to help me get in the shower and when I was so weak, he would sit in the restroom with me until I got out. He did this to make sure I wouldn't fall out of the shower, which almost happened on more than one occasion. Once showered, I would dry off, get dressed and go back to bed - some mornings I needed assistance again from my husband to even get dressed.  Just that little bit of movement took everything out of me- it was pure hell.  I can honestly say, I feel exhausted at some point everyday, but at least it's not all day like the beginning. I rarely get an opportunity to go through a whole day without exhaustion sneaking it's ugly head up at me. I would love to just "strangle" exhaustion - Make it go away-- but I can't do that right now.  I am very grateful that at least I can now do some activities during the day and even drive longer distances.

The Guilt- of being fatigued, not being able to get tasks completed or spending more time with my family and friends.  A simple phone call can sometimes exhaust me and I have to take a nap afterwards.  I haven't told too many people about the phone call fatigue, but it happens. The brain is constantly working -so there are times when trying to follow a conversation and responding can be a challenge.  There are times that I even "wing" it when my brain is in the "shut down" phase and I get lost in the conversation.  There are times that I will just start rambling on the phone and that's when I know that it's time to hang up and go rest - now this is a "one to one conversation" when I get into a crowded area or more than one person is talking-- WHEW-- well it's a challenge to say the least.

I now notice other symptoms of where my body is telling me that "my brain has had enough".  I will start to get vertigo and increased ringing in my ears.  Sometimes the loud ringing starts then the vertigo.  I can even have increased pain in my legs and arms.  I don't know how or why these things are related, but I KNOW that they are.  I experience them.... it's my life.  I have a friend at the brain injury support group that has done research on partial seizures. She stated that the ringing of the ears and exhaustion afterwards are signs that I had a seizure (another blog but I now suffer from silent seizures and take daily meds for).  Interesting, at least someone has stated what these symptoms may be related to- perhaps it's just exhaustion and/or perhaps it's the seizures either way- I know that I am not crazy!!!!  Fatigued and exhausted YES-- NOT crazy.  I will save CRAZY for another blog as well.... :-)

So when friends and family state that "you are always tired", yes I am.  I don't want to be like this- who in there right mind would want to be (remember I am not CRAZY).  So, I myself get very tired of saying that I am tired.  People who don't have a brain injury won't get it. So don't think that you can. A person without a brain injury understands being exhausted for a short period of time and feeling "refreshed".  I have lost that "feeling of refreshed" for now.  Just please accept that for now that this is apart of me. I don't want to feel guilty that I am tired.  It's my brain telling me that enough is enough.  The brain doctor states that my brain is working "very inefficiently and literally shuts down".  So I take it as a car running out of gas- it may or may not get you to your destination.  The car can not run on fumes alone, and neither can I.   Everyday it is a journey for me as well- the exhaustion for me is probably the biggest frustration that I have.  So just bare with me-- I am still under reconstruction - I have to learn to set my limits, which is extremely hard for me.  So please, don't state that "you are tired again?" I am tired, fatigue and exhausted all day, everyday it's just a matter to what degree I am at.  So just hang on and bare with me.  In fact, I think I would perfer that people don't ask me how I am feeling - tired is always the first thing that I will say.  

BUT never lose sight of this - I AM A REDHEAD-- I AM FEISTY AND I WILL BE UP AND RUNNING AGAIN.  HUGS....

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