Today I have been really "fatigued". I always say the words tired, fatigue and exhausted interchangeably, but I have decided to rate these feelings as I see them or literally as I "feel" since the brain injury. Being sleepy or tired - easiest to over come - a walk in the park. I can certainly push through these feelings to get things done. No nap required. Fatigue - more effort and energy to complete tasks. I have to pick and choose what I can accomplish in a given time frame or even day. If I do too much, then fatigue turns into exhaustion - a nap may certainly be required. Exhausted - "forget about it"... down for the count- lights out. A three hour nap minimum is required at "least" once a day perhaps more often. I am mostly down for a good part of the day, if not all day. I always "thought" I knew what exhaustion was prior to my brain injury- Ha - I didn't have a clue.
Before the injury, I was a very active person. Not active in the way of exercising, but always on the go or doing things like working, going to school and other activities, many activities. I didn't require even 6 hours of sleep to function. I was a night owl, not the greatest morning person though. When this injury first happened, during the first month or two- my energy level only got me into the shower- in fact I cut all but 4-5 inches of my hair off, because I was too weak and exhausted to even style it. Some mornings my husband would have to help me get in the shower and when I was so weak, he would sit in the restroom with me until I got out. He did this to make sure I wouldn't fall out of the shower, which almost happened on more than one occasion. Once showered, I would dry off, get dressed and go back to bed - some mornings I needed assistance again from my husband to even get dressed. Just that little bit of movement took everything out of me- it was pure hell. I can honestly say, I feel exhausted at some point everyday, but at least it's not all day like the beginning. I rarely get an opportunity to go through a whole day without exhaustion sneaking it's ugly head up at me. I would love to just "strangle" exhaustion - Make it go away-- but I can't do that right now. I am very grateful that at least I can now do some activities during the day and even drive longer distances.
The Guilt- of being fatigued, not being able to get tasks completed or spending more time with my family and friends. A simple phone call can sometimes exhaust me and I have to take a nap afterwards. I haven't told too many people about the phone call fatigue, but it happens. The brain is constantly working -so there are times when trying to follow a conversation and responding can be a challenge. There are times that I even "wing" it when my brain is in the "shut down" phase and I get lost in the conversation. There are times that I will just start rambling on the phone and that's when I know that it's time to hang up and go rest - now this is a "one to one conversation" when I get into a crowded area or more than one person is talking-- WHEW-- well it's a challenge to say the least.
I now notice other symptoms of where my body is telling me that "my brain has had enough". I will start to get vertigo and increased ringing in my ears. Sometimes the loud ringing starts then the vertigo. I can even have increased pain in my legs and arms. I don't know how or why these things are related, but I KNOW that they are. I experience them.... it's my life. I have a friend at the brain injury support group that has done research on partial seizures. She stated that the ringing of the ears and exhaustion afterwards are signs that I had a seizure (another blog but I now suffer from silent seizures and take daily meds for). Interesting, at least someone has stated what these symptoms may be related to- perhaps it's just exhaustion and/or perhaps it's the seizures either way- I know that I am not crazy!!!! Fatigued and exhausted YES-- NOT crazy. I will save CRAZY for another blog as well.... :-)
So when friends and family state that "you are always tired", yes I am. I don't want to be like this- who in there right mind would want to be (remember I am not CRAZY). So, I myself get very tired of saying that I am tired. People who don't have a brain injury won't get it. So don't think that you can. A person without a brain injury understands being exhausted for a short period of time and feeling "refreshed". I have lost that "feeling of refreshed" for now. Just please accept that for now that this is apart of me. I don't want to feel guilty that I am tired. It's my brain telling me that enough is enough. The brain doctor states that my brain is working "very inefficiently and literally shuts down". So I take it as a car running out of gas- it may or may not get you to your destination. The car can not run on fumes alone, and neither can I. Everyday it is a journey for me as well- the exhaustion for me is probably the biggest frustration that I have. So just bare with me-- I am still under reconstruction - I have to learn to set my limits, which is extremely hard for me. So please, don't state that "you are tired again?" I am tired, fatigue and exhausted all day, everyday it's just a matter to what degree I am at. So just hang on and bare with me. In fact, I think I would perfer that people don't ask me how I am feeling - tired is always the first thing that I will say.
BUT never lose sight of this - I AM A REDHEAD-- I AM FEISTY AND I WILL BE UP AND RUNNING AGAIN. HUGS....
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