Well, today is Friday and it has been a really good day. I started off my day by taking my older sister to the airport. She is going to Japan to work for 2 1/2 weeks. I am envious, yet so proud of her for working so darn hard. Although, I do worry about her often when she is out of town. I guess I can honestly say that I worry about both of my sisters- but not as much now as I did prior to the injury. I had to loosen the "momma bear" control on both of them. This control was self induce- I had always played the role of protector etc, but since the injury I had become too weak and fatigued to carry out that role. I was so afraid at first to let go, but knew that I could not protect them as I had done once before. Apart of me, in the beginning of this transition, felt as though I would not be as important or needed by either once I couldn't fulfill this duty - here again all of these feelings were self imposed. They had never asked me to take on this role nor did they ever imply that I would be less important to them if I gave up this control. After my injury, both of my sisters graciously let me relinquish this role and I know that they still love me just as much now, if not more. I thank them very much, for giving me the strength to see that. I can now focus my energy more so on my life and health, which is the way they want it anyway. For they have become my protector at times over the past 2 years. Oh how I love them both so much. Ha, I think both of them were finally relieved that mama is leaving them alone... LOL especially my baby sister.
Today started out fun- I won a pizza from Papa Johns. One of a million that Papa is giving away. Well, I said to myself - I am feeling lucky - I will play the lottery- I should have just stopped at the pizza. Not so lucky on that scratch off ticket, so now my luck is 50 - 50. How will the Mega Lottery play out tonight. Yes I know- that's probably why I won't even check it for weeks to come- BUT you can't win if you don't play. :-)
I also received another phone call from John today. He is fighting so hard for my request to help change the safety manual in order to protect all field agents in the future. As he put it today, "I think I am going to make a few people really mad at me - but this has to get done". I think he is right about getting people really upset - but this isn't about how things were done or NOT done with my injury - it's about correcting the weaknesses that occurred so this doesn't happen again. You would think that people would get that. I am not here to point blame- what's done is done - I want to be excited that things get corrected and that all of my fellow co-workers are fully protected while in the field, the government can show just cause and recoup the expenses from a third party injury and taxpayers won't have to keep footing the bill when it is "others" who are responsible. It's NOT a me thing - it's a WE thing -
If we don't make mistakes -then how do we learn? I we don't learn then how can we grow? Learn from this and grow..... which also includes myself.
On another note-- Thank goodness for spell check....LOL oh well- this is me!!!!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Emotional Wednesday
I knew the night before, that Wednesday, Nov 30th, was going to be an extremely emotional day. In fact, when asked about this day prior, I would just shrug my shoulders and say- no worries, I got this. I meet with one of my guardian angels, John, early in the morning at the Federal Building where I work as a revenue agent. John is a Union Steward, who has been representing me since the summer. We were scheduled to have a conference call with the Area Director and Labor Relations that were pertaining to issues other than my injury.
I have to admit- 4 hours before this phone call I had already started crying. You see, John started looking up the means to get other Government agencies on board due to my exposure to toxins- this was a safety issue not related to the conference call, although, some events are tied to my injury. Now that I have proof that there was an exposure, more government agencies may come on board- the problem is that it's just one person sick (that we know of) and it has been over 2 years since the injury. I remember feeling very fatigued and like I was having my episodes of silent seizures, or whatever it is that I go through. Just hold on Barb- I kept telling myself-- just hold on.
John was reading the research information outloud - "WOW - the EPA should have been involved and with an injury like yours- they are incharge of pesticides etc. perhaps we can still submit a formal complaint." He kept talking but all I could feel was a sense of hurt come over me and these big crocodile tears just started forming and streaming down my face. OH MY, NOT NOW BARB, NOT NOW, Don't you freakin start crying now - Wait until you are alone so no one sees this part of you. John must have looked up because he stopped reading and there was just silence in the room. I looked up at him and stated "why couldn't someone just do their job..that's all I wanted, was for someone to do their job. To help protect me. I begged for OSHA or someone to go to that audit site and inspect. To find out what I had been exposed to. My co-workers had requested the same thing. Nothing...Nothing. I bet if it had been the individuals that I requested help from that got sick at that audit site... they would have received help and assistance-- why wasn't my life important?" I got up from the chair at this point and stated that I needed to get some air- to defrag my brain. I looked at John and said- "and don't think for one minute that these tears are tears of weakness." He smiled and told me that he knew without of doubt that it was not weakness but courage. I had to leave the conference room after that.
This was the first time since the injury that I had asked this question to another person "why wasn't my life important enough for someone to take action." I was devastated at this point yesterday. I can not understand how other human beings could/did so blindly ignore what had happened to me. Now this question is not the same as why did this happen to me? but the why didn't these people get off their ass and do their jobs?
Needless to say, during that phone call I got extremely emotional again. I didn't cry, but the hurt was there- you could hear it in my voice and I didn't hold back my emotions pertaining to how I have been treated outside of this injury and pertaining to my injury. This was my moment to tell my side of the story and I did just that... and well- I guess you could say I also gave advice on how to run the whole division etc. I don't remember being rude about it-- just emotional. During this conference call - which was on speaker phone, John discribed watching me have quit a few "nervous jerking or tics" that he has never seen from me before. I guess my emotions did get the best of me-- but this was my right.... this was my story and my life.
I hardly remember telling the Director that I wanted a formal written apology for all of the allegations and slander that was stated in a written medical letter, that had been mailed to my brain injury specialist from the IRS- workman's compensation division. We held this information till last, to let the Director have a full understanding of how I had been treated. By the way, I was never suppose to have seen that letter. The letter that my employer mailed to my doctor without cc me. It was a good friend that was with me that day at Dr. O'Shanick's office and just happened to ask my doctor if he had any correspondences from the IRS or DOL (Department of Labor). My doctor was so upset about this letter. "A crock of shit" is what he called it.... although I had many other choice words after I read the letter myself. So I took the pleasure in reading a paragraph, to the Director, that was slanderous accusations about me. He was silent- silent in what appeared to be disbeleif that this was even written. For I truly feel that he had no prior knowledge. One thing about me-- I don't cry wolf....if anything I down play situations... just like I down played the seriousness of my injury and my true feelings of constantly being retaliated against. I am not crying wolf now-- but taking up for me and taking a stand- I will not be treated like this anymore. In fact- I remember even telling them that. :-)
We all ended the meeting on a good note and with a ray of hope that things will perhaps be corrected.... the wrongs righted- but we shall see. As I was leaving the conference room to go home, John stated "Just stick with it Barb...Just stick with it don't give up now" I looked at him and smiled...John I am here and I am NOT going anywhere. I will fight for what is the truth and to also help protect others. My hopes are that no one will ever have to go through what I have been through over the past 2 years.
So, when John called me today to check up on me and to offer more encouraging news about a potential inspection of the site.... I asked him did I "really" tell the Director that I wanted a written formal apology? John laughed out loud and said "Oh yes you did...You did GREAT yesterday Barb, You did GREAT." My eyes got really big-- Darn those seizure moments...I kinda remember asking...but wasn't quite sure- or here again, wanted to be in denial that I actually spoke my mind and took up for myself. LOL Oh well... as I sit here typing with a smile on my face, I am very proud of myself for being so strong and for standing up against those who are wrong and untruthful. You go Barb... You go....
I have to admit- 4 hours before this phone call I had already started crying. You see, John started looking up the means to get other Government agencies on board due to my exposure to toxins- this was a safety issue not related to the conference call, although, some events are tied to my injury. Now that I have proof that there was an exposure, more government agencies may come on board- the problem is that it's just one person sick (that we know of) and it has been over 2 years since the injury. I remember feeling very fatigued and like I was having my episodes of silent seizures, or whatever it is that I go through. Just hold on Barb- I kept telling myself-- just hold on.
John was reading the research information outloud - "WOW - the EPA should have been involved and with an injury like yours- they are incharge of pesticides etc. perhaps we can still submit a formal complaint." He kept talking but all I could feel was a sense of hurt come over me and these big crocodile tears just started forming and streaming down my face. OH MY, NOT NOW BARB, NOT NOW, Don't you freakin start crying now - Wait until you are alone so no one sees this part of you. John must have looked up because he stopped reading and there was just silence in the room. I looked up at him and stated "why couldn't someone just do their job..that's all I wanted, was for someone to do their job. To help protect me. I begged for OSHA or someone to go to that audit site and inspect. To find out what I had been exposed to. My co-workers had requested the same thing. Nothing...Nothing. I bet if it had been the individuals that I requested help from that got sick at that audit site... they would have received help and assistance-- why wasn't my life important?" I got up from the chair at this point and stated that I needed to get some air- to defrag my brain. I looked at John and said- "and don't think for one minute that these tears are tears of weakness." He smiled and told me that he knew without of doubt that it was not weakness but courage. I had to leave the conference room after that.
This was the first time since the injury that I had asked this question to another person "why wasn't my life important enough for someone to take action." I was devastated at this point yesterday. I can not understand how other human beings could/did so blindly ignore what had happened to me. Now this question is not the same as why did this happen to me? but the why didn't these people get off their ass and do their jobs?
Needless to say, during that phone call I got extremely emotional again. I didn't cry, but the hurt was there- you could hear it in my voice and I didn't hold back my emotions pertaining to how I have been treated outside of this injury and pertaining to my injury. This was my moment to tell my side of the story and I did just that... and well- I guess you could say I also gave advice on how to run the whole division etc. I don't remember being rude about it-- just emotional. During this conference call - which was on speaker phone, John discribed watching me have quit a few "nervous jerking or tics" that he has never seen from me before. I guess my emotions did get the best of me-- but this was my right.... this was my story and my life.
I hardly remember telling the Director that I wanted a formal written apology for all of the allegations and slander that was stated in a written medical letter, that had been mailed to my brain injury specialist from the IRS- workman's compensation division. We held this information till last, to let the Director have a full understanding of how I had been treated. By the way, I was never suppose to have seen that letter. The letter that my employer mailed to my doctor without cc me. It was a good friend that was with me that day at Dr. O'Shanick's office and just happened to ask my doctor if he had any correspondences from the IRS or DOL (Department of Labor). My doctor was so upset about this letter. "A crock of shit" is what he called it.... although I had many other choice words after I read the letter myself. So I took the pleasure in reading a paragraph, to the Director, that was slanderous accusations about me. He was silent- silent in what appeared to be disbeleif that this was even written. For I truly feel that he had no prior knowledge. One thing about me-- I don't cry wolf....if anything I down play situations... just like I down played the seriousness of my injury and my true feelings of constantly being retaliated against. I am not crying wolf now-- but taking up for me and taking a stand- I will not be treated like this anymore. In fact- I remember even telling them that. :-)
We all ended the meeting on a good note and with a ray of hope that things will perhaps be corrected.... the wrongs righted- but we shall see. As I was leaving the conference room to go home, John stated "Just stick with it Barb...Just stick with it don't give up now" I looked at him and smiled...John I am here and I am NOT going anywhere. I will fight for what is the truth and to also help protect others. My hopes are that no one will ever have to go through what I have been through over the past 2 years.
So, when John called me today to check up on me and to offer more encouraging news about a potential inspection of the site.... I asked him did I "really" tell the Director that I wanted a written formal apology? John laughed out loud and said "Oh yes you did...You did GREAT yesterday Barb, You did GREAT." My eyes got really big-- Darn those seizure moments...I kinda remember asking...but wasn't quite sure- or here again, wanted to be in denial that I actually spoke my mind and took up for myself. LOL Oh well... as I sit here typing with a smile on my face, I am very proud of myself for being so strong and for standing up against those who are wrong and untruthful. You go Barb... You go....
Starting my "blog"
Today I started my blog. But of course, this is what the title is called. I am doing this to increase brain injury awareness and for my own rehabilitation. I struggle on a daily basis with word and sentence structure. This is most prominent when I am fatigued or going through the "brain shut down" phase. The shut down phase can happen frequently throughout the day- it mostly depends on sleep factors, stress, visual and audio stimulus just to name a few.
Other symptoms associated with my brain injury are - short term memory loss, retrieval of information, vertigo, tinnitus (ringing in the ears), extreme fatigue, deficiencies in executive function and other things that I can't remember at this moment- it's a retrieval thing- :-)
I had a very emotional day - so this too, has also prompted me to start a blog as a way of communicating my experiences and emotions as I go through this "journey" of my brain injury survival. I will add this- the individuals that I have met along the way with brain injuries are extremely brave and strong- and I want to thank those that share their life's experiences with me and this blog. My favorite quote is "If you aim at nothing, you will get nothing". Well, my goals include identifying my deficencies and compensate for them. I will never be the person I once was, but I plan on having a higher level of functioning in the future- so may this journey begin.
Other symptoms associated with my brain injury are - short term memory loss, retrieval of information, vertigo, tinnitus (ringing in the ears), extreme fatigue, deficiencies in executive function and other things that I can't remember at this moment- it's a retrieval thing- :-)
I had a very emotional day - so this too, has also prompted me to start a blog as a way of communicating my experiences and emotions as I go through this "journey" of my brain injury survival. I will add this- the individuals that I have met along the way with brain injuries are extremely brave and strong- and I want to thank those that share their life's experiences with me and this blog. My favorite quote is "If you aim at nothing, you will get nothing". Well, my goals include identifying my deficencies and compensate for them. I will never be the person I once was, but I plan on having a higher level of functioning in the future- so may this journey begin.
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